To Win at Marriage, Learn to lose

贏得美滿婚姻,要學會認輸

[1]Having been married for more than 40 years, I can attest to the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.

[1]做為一個結(jié)婚40余年的人，我可以證明下面這個說法完全正確：想要在家庭爭執(zhí)中得滿分，首先要掌握認輸?shù)乃囆g(shù)。

[2]Modern psychologists are taken with the win-win solution. But in marriage, success resides more in lose-lose solutions. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration, losing gives a gift that always returns.

[2]現(xiàn)代心理學家們都醉心于一贏再贏的解決辦法，而在婚姻里頭，成功往往在于采取一輸再輸?shù)牟呗浴Ｒ驗檫@樣，雙方都可以是贏家。在愛情的天地里，認輸實際上永遠是一份有回報的禮物。

[3]One day shortly after my wife and I were married, we set about picking new living-room wallpaper from a book of samples. My taste and hers were at odds.

[3]婚后不久的一天，我和妻子著手從一本樣品手冊中挑選起居室的壁紙。我們的愛好有了矛盾。

[4]I like this one, she said. That looks like a section of a diseased liver. How can you say that? This is a classical pattern that goes all the way back to the Venetian. The Venetian were blind. They named blinds after them, remember? I like this one. I wouldnt hang that in hell if I were the devil.

[4]我喜歡這一張。 這張簡直就像一塊有病的豬肝。 你怎么能這樣說?這可是一幅古典的古威尼斯風格的圖案。 威尼斯人都瞎眼了，后來的瞎子也都是因威尼斯人得名，記得嗎?我喜歡這一張。 我死也不會掛那一張的。

[5]As the argument went on, my wife suddenly slammed the book shut. There are over two hundred samples in this book, she declared. I say we spend our energy finding one that suits us both, instead of bickering over the ones we dont like.

[5]在爭吵中，我妻子突然用力把書一合，大聲說：這本書中有200張樣品，我們應(yīng)該把精力用在找到一張我們都喜歡的樣品，而不是用來爭吵那些我們不喜歡的。

[6]And thats how we settled it. Eventually we found a pattern we both liked. The wallpaper book became our symbol for settling the myriad issues that arise in marriage. Well, shed say when we couldnt agree on furniture or a place to vacation, there are plenty of samples in the wallpaper book.

[6]我們就這樣解決了爭執(zhí)。最后我們終于找到了一個我們共同喜歡的圖案。壁紙樣品手冊成了我們解決婚姻中遇到的無數(shù)爭執(zhí)的一個象征。當我們在要什么家具或去什么地方休假的意見不一時，我的妻子就說：在壁紙樣品手冊里有的是樣品呢!

7]The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often arent the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. The day I finally realized I didnt need to control my wifethat, indeed, I ought not control her, that I couldnt control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriagewas the day our marriage began.

[7]人們在婚姻中爭吵的那些事情諸如怎樣花錢之類，往往并不是爭執(zhí)的真正所在。爭執(zhí)的關(guān)鍵是誰來控制。當我年青的時候，我想去控制是因為出于恐懼，是缺乏信任和安全感。當我終于認識到我不必控制我的妻子的時候，我們的婚姻才算真正開始。確實，我不應(yīng)該控制我的妻子，我也不能去控制她，如果我要這樣去做，我就會毀壞我們的婚姻。

[8]Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.

[8]放棄控制對方常常與軟弱相混淆。其實家庭內(nèi)爭吵的贏家永遠不可能是真正的贏家。當你贏得了一場口角，使你的另一半屈服了，你其實恰恰相反，是輸家了。

[9]What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.

[9]我們在婚姻中最想得到的是什么?是愛與被愛，是幸福與安定，是不斷的成長與發(fā)現(xiàn)。愛情的關(guān)系就是一個花園，在這個花園里我們種植、培養(yǎng)和收獲最寶貴的莊稼，這就是我們自己;在這個花園里，我們要給我們的愛人提供同樣肥沃的土壤，讓她茁壯成長。

[10]We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesnt care for, he can bring joy to his partner. Thats a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isnt it?

[10]我們不可能得到自己想要的東西，除非我們的配偶得到他(或她)想要的。例如：一個女人想去聽一場交響樂，而她的丈夫卻討厭交響樂，只要丈夫?qū)幵富◣讉€小時去聽一下他不喜歡的音樂，就可以給他的配偶帶來快樂，難道這不是一個很廉價的換取快樂的辦法嗎?

[11]But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there arent a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.

[11]但是如果丈夫想要和他的朋友們一起去釣魚呢?這時妻子就面臨同意或不同意的抉擇，就像墻紙樣手冊中突然沒有許多樣紙可供挑選了。

[12]Already you can hear the usual power strategies: Ill spend my money any way I please, or How come youre such a millstone? Jims wife is happy that he gets to go.

[12]你也許已聽說過這樣的權(quán)力策略：我可以隨意花我自己的錢。或：你怎么這樣麻煩?吉姆的妻子就高興他隨便去哪兒。

[13]Instead of such strategies, he might try empowering his partner: Honey, Id like to go on a fishing trip with the boys. What do you think? I thought we were going away. How about this fall? Ive always wanted to take a trip with you to see the fall foliage in New England. Good idea. Ill go see my mother while youre fishing. Such a dialogue, as idealistic as it sounds, is born of a marriage of mature adults.

[13]不采用這種辦法，丈夫可以把事情讓妻子自己決定：親愛的，我想和小伙子們一塊去釣魚，你看怎樣? 我想還是我們一塊出去吧。 今年秋天再去怎樣?我一直想跟你去新英格蘭看一看秋天的落葉。 好吧。你去釣魚而我回家看母親。 這樣的對話，聽起來是最理想的了。它只能發(fā)生在很成熟的成年人配偶之間。

[14]But what if she says, You always make promises you never keep. This fall there will be some excuse. I think you owe me a trip first? Now he must decide. Is she right? She could be, you know. When the couple arrives at this juncture, its time for him to listen.

[14]但如果妻子說：你從不信守諾言。到今年秋天你又會有別的借口。我想是你首先欠我一次出游，對吧?這樣丈夫就必須決定，他的妻子是否正確。要知道，他的妻子可能是正確的。當雙方到了這樣一個關(guān)鍵時刻，丈夫就應(yīng)該聽從了。

[15]When anger is hurled at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. Its that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.

[15]如果激憤在我們之間爆發(fā)，它會傷害我們的感情。如果激憤是一把手槍，我認為也要像對待控制他人的欲望一樣，要在一開始就不讓它發(fā)射出來。但是憤怒可以是內(nèi)心傷痛的一種釋放。當你的配偶釋放憤怒的時候，你就必須停止爭吵。道理很簡單，爭吵必須終止，因為其中一人可能已被觸動內(nèi)心的痛處。

[16]Try this: Let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means shes been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.

[16]不妨這樣試一下：讓你們之間的緊張松弛一下，讓你們之間的風暴平息一點。告訴你的妻子你理解她的激憤，你知道她內(nèi)心有傷痛，你愿意為此做點什么，因為你愛她。

[17]Perhaps shell tell you why shes hurtangrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger as sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.

[17]也許她會憤怒地告訴你她為什么受傷，不要拖延，只管傾聽她激憤的表達。當你發(fā)現(xiàn)她的痛處是什么時，你可以說出它的原因，這樣激憤就可以平撫。

[18]Youre allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to soothe your hurt. When you talk of your hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.

[18]你自己也可以表示憤怒，但是對你的配偶宣泄你的激憤不是一個撫平內(nèi)心傷痛的好辦法。你如心平氣和地說出你的隱傷，你會得到心平氣和的理解。

[19] So remember: If you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.

[19]所以請記住：如果你要想在你們的關(guān)系中克服激憤，那么就要找出內(nèi)心的傷痛;如果你要想得到愛和尊重，就必須放棄對伴侶的控制;如果你想要贏得家中的口角，就先學會認輸吧!

To Win at Marriage, Learn to lose

贏得美滿婚姻,要學會認輸

[1]Having been married for more than 40 years, I can attest to the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.

[1]做為一個結(jié)婚40余年的人，我可以證明下面這個說法完全正確：想要在家庭爭執(zhí)中得滿分，首先要掌握認輸?shù)乃囆g(shù)。

[2]Modern psychologists are taken with the win-win solution. But in marriage, success resides more in lose-lose solutions. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration, losing gives a gift that always returns.

[2]現(xiàn)代心理學家們都醉心于一贏再贏的解決辦法，而在婚姻里頭，成功往往在于采取一輸再輸?shù)牟呗浴Ｒ驗檫@樣，雙方都可以是贏家。在愛情的天地里，認輸實際上永遠是一份有回報的禮物。

[3]One day shortly after my wife and I were married, we set about picking new living-room wallpaper from a book of samples. My taste and hers were at odds.

[3]婚后不久的一天，我和妻子著手從一本樣品手冊中挑選起居室的壁紙。我們的愛好有了矛盾。

[4]I like this one, she said. That looks like a section of a diseased liver. How can you say that? This is a classical pattern that goes all the way back to the Venetian. The Venetian were blind. They named blinds after them, remember? I like this one. I wouldnt hang that in hell if I were the devil.

[4]我喜歡這一張。 這張簡直就像一塊有病的豬肝。 你怎么能這樣說?這可是一幅古典的古威尼斯風格的圖案。 威尼斯人都瞎眼了，后來的瞎子也都是因威尼斯人得名，記得嗎?我喜歡這一張。 我死也不會掛那一張的。

[5]As the argument went on, my wife suddenly slammed the book shut. There are over two hundred samples in this book, she declared. I say we spend our energy finding one that suits us both, instead of bickering over the ones we dont like.

[5]在爭吵中，我妻子突然用力把書一合，大聲說：這本書中有200張樣品，我們應(yīng)該把精力用在找到一張我們都喜歡的樣品，而不是用來爭吵那些我們不喜歡的。

[6]And thats how we settled it. Eventually we found a pattern we both liked. The wallpaper book became our symbol for settling the myriad issues that arise in marriage. Well, shed say when we couldnt agree on furniture or a place to vacation, there are plenty of samples in the wallpaper book.

[6]我們就這樣解決了爭執(zhí)。最后我們終于找到了一個我們共同喜歡的圖案。壁紙樣品手冊成了我們解決婚姻中遇到的無數(shù)爭執(zhí)的一個象征。當我們在要什么家具或去什么地方休假的意見不一時，我的妻子就說：在壁紙樣品手冊里有的是樣品呢!

7]The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often arent the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. The day I finally realized I didnt need to control my wifethat, indeed, I ought not control her, that I couldnt control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriagewas the day our marriage began.

[7]人們在婚姻中爭吵的那些事情諸如怎樣花錢之類，往往并不是爭執(zhí)的真正所在。爭執(zhí)的關(guān)鍵是誰來控制。當我年青的時候，我想去控制是因為出于恐懼，是缺乏信任和安全感。當我終于認識到我不必控制我的妻子的時候，我們的婚姻才算真正開始。確實，我不應(yīng)該控制我的妻子，我也不能去控制她，如果我要這樣去做，我就會毀壞我們的婚姻。

[8]Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.

[8]放棄控制對方常常與軟弱相混淆。其實家庭內(nèi)爭吵的贏家永遠不可能是真正的贏家。當你贏得了一場口角，使你的另一半屈服了，你其實恰恰相反，是輸家了。

[9]What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.

[9]我們在婚姻中最想得到的是什么?是愛與被愛，是幸福與安定，是不斷的成長與發(fā)現(xiàn)。愛情的關(guān)系就是一個花園，在這個花園里我們種植、培養(yǎng)和收獲最寶貴的莊稼，這就是我們自己;在這個花園里，我們要給我們的愛人提供同樣肥沃的土壤，讓她茁壯成長。

[10]We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesnt care for, he can bring joy to his partner. Thats a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isnt it?

[10]我們不可能得到自己想要的東西，除非我們的配偶得到他(或她)想要的。例如：一個女人想去聽一場交響樂，而她的丈夫卻討厭交響樂，只要丈夫?qū)幵富◣讉€小時去聽一下他不喜歡的音樂，就可以給他的配偶帶來快樂，難道這不是一個很廉價的換取快樂的辦法嗎?

[11]But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there arent a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.

[11]但是如果丈夫想要和他的朋友們一起去釣魚呢?這時妻子就面臨同意或不同意的抉擇，就像墻紙樣手冊中突然沒有許多樣紙可供挑選了。

[12]Already you can hear the usual power strategies: Ill spend my money any way I please, or How come youre such a millstone? Jims wife is happy that he gets to go.

[12]你也許已聽說過這樣的權(quán)力策略：我可以隨意花我自己的錢。或：你怎么這樣麻煩?吉姆的妻子就高興他隨便去哪兒。

[13]Instead of such strategies, he might try empowering his partner: Honey, Id like to go on a fishing trip with the boys. What do you think? I thought we were going away. How about this fall? Ive always wanted to take a trip with you to see the fall foliage in New England. Good idea. Ill go see my mother while youre fishing. Such a dialogue, as idealistic as it sounds, is born of a marriage of mature adults.

[13]不采用這種辦法，丈夫可以把事情讓妻子自己決定：親愛的，我想和小伙子們一塊去釣魚，你看怎樣? 我想還是我們一塊出去吧。 今年秋天再去怎樣?我一直想跟你去新英格蘭看一看秋天的落葉。 好吧。你去釣魚而我回家看母親。 這樣的對話，聽起來是最理想的了。它只能發(fā)生在很成熟的成年人配偶之間。

[14]But what if she says, You always make promises you never keep. This fall there will be some excuse. I think you owe me a trip first? Now he must decide. Is she right? She could be, you know. When the couple arrives at this juncture, its time for him to listen.

[14]但如果妻子說：你從不信守諾言。到今年秋天你又會有別的借口。我想是你首先欠我一次出游，對吧?這樣丈夫就必須決定，他的妻子是否正確。要知道，他的妻子可能是正確的。當雙方到了這樣一個關(guān)鍵時刻，丈夫就應(yīng)該聽從了。

[15]When anger is hurled at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. Its that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.

[15]如果激憤在我們之間爆發(fā)，它會傷害我們的感情。如果激憤是一把手槍，我認為也要像對待控制他人的欲望一樣，要在一開始就不讓它發(fā)射出來。但是憤怒可以是內(nèi)心傷痛的一種釋放。當你的配偶釋放憤怒的時候，你就必須停止爭吵。道理很簡單，爭吵必須終止，因為其中一人可能已被觸動內(nèi)心的痛處。

[16]Try this: Let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means shes been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.

[16]不妨這樣試一下：讓你們之間的緊張松弛一下，讓你們之間的風暴平息一點。告訴你的妻子你理解她的激憤，你知道她內(nèi)心有傷痛，你愿意為此做點什么，因為你愛她。

[17]Perhaps shell tell you why shes hurtangrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger as sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.

[17]也許她會憤怒地告訴你她為什么受傷，不要拖延，只管傾聽她激憤的表達。當你發(fā)現(xiàn)她的痛處是什么時，你可以說出它的原因，這樣激憤就可以平撫。

[18]Youre allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to soothe your hurt. When you talk of your hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.

[18]你自己也可以表示憤怒，但是對你的配偶宣泄你的激憤不是一個撫平內(nèi)心傷痛的好辦法。你如心平氣和地說出你的隱傷，你會得到心平氣和的理解。

[19] So remember: If you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.

[19]所以請記住：如果你要想在你們的關(guān)系中克服激憤，那么就要找出內(nèi)心的傷痛;如果你要想得到愛和尊重，就必須放棄對伴侶的控制;如果你想要贏得家中的口角，就先學會認輸吧!